Frankie's Diary

Heeellloooo. Long time no see. I am not really sure what to write but i wanted to write somethin. today was a really bad day, i have too many bad days its gotten to the point where my boyfriend is asking if its a bad day and that makes me sad. I dont want it to be a norm that im too fucked up to form thoughts and sentences for half the morning before only dragging myself out of bed to play the same damn video game that ive been pouring all my time into lately. Rihanna just started and i cant be sad while shes screaming in my ear about getting me where i wanna go. will be back in a few minutes. OK hi. Sorry just felt disrespectful to get all in my feeeeels while she was being so sensual with car lingo in my ears. But anyways. I dont really know why today was so bad because my thoughts were on their usual track which ive learned to tune out, but idk something this morning just flipped a switch and my day went downhill from there. I dont like how its become a norm for me to just be non functioning like that. today my friend **** told me about how a mutual ex friend of ours still religiously stalks them and it made me realize how even though im miserable i guess ill never be miserable like that?? idk. i dont like putting others down to feel better 'bout myself but i think its just getting a bit sad. I try not to write about suuper personal stuff on here at least not with names and detail but at this point im using this diary to remember stuff that happens to me, on account of me having the worst memory ever. And with that i want to complain more (yay!) ... I feel sad knowing that me finally putting down my foot ever-so-slightly has lead to me losing two friends, one of which i considered so close. It just makes me want to revert back to being a people pleasing pushover, even though i spent so many years learning how to be better than that !! I know im all over the place today sorry, i just dont know What to talk about, because theres always so much going on !!! Ive been thinking a lot about like my sexuality and gender and its been really confusing. My biology aside, ive been socialized so masculinely that i feel strange trying to be feminine. But in a way its my fault, growing up i never wanted to do or be anything feminine but i feel as if thats somehow related to a mix of ridicule from my mother and my developing self struggling to understand gender non-conforming expression in a restrictive conservative family. Ive always been just brushed off as very "tomboyish" by my family, and trying to come out to my mother as trans just got me a religious talk. I like being feminine but feminine in the way you see a man in a skirt and go "wow hes soooo breaking gender norms!" obviously just a man in a dress, not a girl in the slightest. I dont think ill ever really be a girl, even if i really wanted to be. I dont know how to act or dress or think like a girl. I grew up with all male friends and in my younger teen years i struggled so hard with fitting in with the girls i so desperately tried to surround myself with. I used to try and hang out with this girl on my road a lot i mean we had fun and she would ask me over a lot, but you could always tell we didnt really match up if that makes any sense. Just two people who grew up too different to ever relate. I dont know if that makes sense. To TLDR it i guess im just a guy "pretending" to be a dyke. I love women a lot but ive always had more preference for masculine women. this made me think for a while i was just bi but the label didnt feel right. Im pretty comfortable now just saying im a dyke that'll date a guy. I call myself a bear dyke but i dont think i fully fit the vibe, dont have enough body hair and such. But i think i fit it well enough personality wise. Ill probably take hormones when i can afford it. To a prior topic since im all over the place anyways, i wish my mental health didnt put so much weight on my boyfriend. He tells me he wants to help me and he doesnt mind but i think im a burden and hes too nice to admit it. I wish he would tell me im too much, ive been expecting it for so long. he didnt do anything wrong really, he helps me a lot and hes very loving but i dunno. He offers to read up on my problems and offers to help me with these like. workbooks. but it never gets brought up again after that day. It kind of just confirms more that im more of a burden than im worth and that im not like worth the effort. Im not saying i expect him to be my personal therapist at all, but it kinda hurts when youre promised help and to be understood and its never followed through with. Id pay any amount of money to be understood. I feel so lonely in this world and i dont think anyone will ever ever understand the mental anguish i go through on the daily. I wish i knew how to get better for him because he deserves better than to deal with me. I dont know if ill ever get better and i wish i could say im scared but all i can think about is how ill eventually become too much for him and all i have left will leave and itll al be my fault.

Sorry for quietness I havent really had energy I dunno. Its 'round 2:30 am as of now. Im watching Baby Reindeer that show thats popular on Netflix right now. Its made me think a lot about myself and its kinda why Im here now. I know the shows a real story and all so it feels kind of cruel to relate it to myself, and obviously Ive never been in near as bad of a situation. But either way I cant help but feel a certain feeling of uncomfortableness regarding the sexual topics. The fourth episode really struck a cord in me I suppose. It feels uncomfortable to see your feelings in another show. I think seeing another person feeling how I do, being so "corrupted" sexually and unsure how they really feel. Always feeling confused and a bit disgusted. I dont know its like an uncomfortable place of familiarity. I dont often like trailing on about my feelings regarding the topic because it feels a bit embarrassing, but I just i dunno. Ive always felt so weird about sex, I feel like ive turned into such a like perverted person. Seeing another person delving deeper and deeper into "gross" fantasies. Trying to figure out why they feel that way and feeling gross and weird after. Im kinda tired and my thoughs are everywhere I dont know I wanted to come on here and go on a long rant about my confused sexuality and my perverted fantasies nd all that but Im a bit just everywhere. Im realizing Im not a big fan of how this is affecting me mentally I feel uncomfortable. I might come back to it when im more sorted mentally. I want to discuss it and talk about it because its so hard spending your life confused and disgusted with yourself but I dont know if i can confront my feelings at the moment I think I'll head back to bed.

I havent updated in a while because I left my laptop charger at my dads and thats where i do 97% of the work for this site. Normally by time im ready to update my diary im in bed with my laptop, but since I dont have it I havent been updating. But im working on the site right now so ill take some time to work on a new entry. Ive been pretty productive today and its making me feel good. I got a bunch of work done and cleaned my room and now im working on my site. Ive been isolating myself again and while it makes me sad im kind of relieved as the people ive been around have been causing me a lot of stress, intentionally or not. I miss having a group of people to talk to, but i enjoy having time to myself and not having to be stressed over social relations. It bums me out that people I care so much for are so okay with discarding and ignoring my feelings, but I'll survive. I want to try and make more friends, but Im not entirely sure how. Ive lost my ability to socialize without becoming exhausted and anxious. My minds all over the place right now, im listening to Crazy for You by Best Coast for my album of the day review. I really like this album, Ive had songs from it on my playlist for months but never sat down and listened to the full album in order till now. Very good I recommend it to anyone who actually reads this, if anyone does. I might come back later but I wanna stay focused on my to do list instead of getting into my feelings on here. Goodbye.

Sorry I didnt update for the weekend. I didnt have energy to get on a computer. I barely have energy now but i wanna put out Something. This weekend like Mostlyyyy sucked. My stepmom really pissed me off and im really mad at her But my markers from my boyfriend came, i saw Monkey Man with my friend Ethan, and we went to a hibachi place today for lunch that had yummy crawfish. RN im trying to get into drawing on my computer again. I really need to update my art page on my site, so I think ill do that later tonight. I have to go back to school on Tuesday which sucks because I like being home. I dont have a lot to say because im kinda tired. But Id rate my weekend like, a 7/10. Maybe Ill be back later with more to say but im just short for words rn. Goodbye.

Sorry for no update yesterday, didnt have anything to say and I was pretty tired. I dont have much diary worth stuff to say, today was pretty ok.. My mom wasnt home pretty much at all and when she did get home she went to bed pretty fast so that was cool. I played Stardew valley with my husband for a while but I got upset at him for almost killing my plants which I still feel bad about. Really it wasnt his fault but i freaked out cause I didnt want all my crops to die mid summer, especially since they were ones that took half the season to grow. I feel bad I stressed him out. Hes really nice to me and im not sure why because sometimes I can be so mean. I really love him I wish I were better at showing it. I always feel so guilty when Im mean or upset him because he deserves better but sometimes I cant help but fall into bad habits no matter how hard I try to improve. I want to be better for him. I dont wanna get into that too deep so, I played phasmophobia with my irls for a couple of hours it was super fun. I used to have a super strained relationship with them but lately Ive been enjoying talking to them a lot more, especially Roman. When my siblings got home they both got me some free azalea bushes from an event they went to along with two cans of soda which was really nice. I have to go and buy soil to pot them over the weekend 'cause they didnt come potted, they were just given to me with two pots and they were in small plastic cells. This saturday im going with my friend Ethan to see Monkey Man and then after were gonna go get lunch. Hes really nice to hang out with Im glad I met him. My clemson tour is tommorrow (technically today) and im excited, even though I know I'll never go there at least I get to be on the campus once. I dont have much else to say, I think im gonna work on some art or stardew then hit the hay. Goodnight diary.

I didnt have the energy to write right before bed because I was hanging out with my boyfriend but im awake so I'll do that now. Yesterday was like pretty ok I guess, I dont remember what all I ate but im pretty sure it was only like, some buttered bread and mac and cheese. Me and James hung out a lot yesterday and for the most part I really enjoyed it, I just get frustrated with fortnite. We both got Stardew Valley and Ive really been enjoying it, im probably gonna finish after I write this entry. Ive been getting calls from like 3 different numbers from areas around here and its been creeping me out. They wont answer my texts unless I threaten to block them and all they do is say like 3 words asking for a person named "Chy". I dont know why I havent blocked them yet honestly ugh. I had a dream about me and an irl walking around a walmart and one of those numbers was texting me stalking behind us and sending pictures of me and it was really scary. For some reason at a point in the dream we were at a car workshop talking about Jimmy Urine...? I dont have much more to say, other than that dream really freaked me out. I dont have much to say, I dont really wanna write about The Thing, because I wanna go play stardew and I dont want every entry to bring up that stuff. Ultimately in the end I came out on top of that situation, its just upsetting to remember. I dont get how one guy can be so stupid but im glad I dont have to deal with him anymore. I dont know what I was doing dating someone who doesnt wash their ass and bites their dirty toenails. I guess Im just kinda bitter and annoyed more than anything. But i cant help but feel a sense of superiority about it. Im gonna go play Stardew now, hopefully I'll have more to say later. Goodbye.

I know you're really only meant to write in a diary like once a day but im awake and feeling stuff and felt like writing, this isnt really for anyone else anyways so who cares when i write. I woke up around 4 am and sat there for a second before going to get a sprite and then coming back to my room to work on my site. I was working pretty smoothly till i fucked up somewhere on my blog. The code for my sidebar and the code for my post format is conflicting somehow and my posts keep getting stuck in my sidebar and I'm getting too frustrated to keep working on it so i think im gonna roll over and watch Gundam or something. Its such a little thing but its just another reminder to myself how I always manage to get so upset over nothing. I feel like i have such a short fuse its nonexistent. I feel really bad about it because i cant count on two hands how many times I've hurt someone i care a lot about just because I got upset. I do really try to work on myself but I feel like im moving in cirlces instead of progressing. Sometimes i worry I havent changed at all since what happened and I get upset. I want to be a better person but I feel like people only ever see me for mistakes I made when I was like 15-16. I get I havent been all that great to some people but it also feels like no one talks about how I was treated either, they just want someone to target. Im kinda over it because I do have people who dont care about that around me, but I feel like sometimes people secretly look down on me for it. Im tired of being seen like this but I feel like no one will ever acknowledge my improvement if bitter people keep putting me down. Im trying to just move on and do my own thing but people from my past are so set on dragging me down because theyre so miserable they have nothing better to do, I guess thats not really my fault but I wish I made better choices and learned to stop letting people come back into my life. I dont know how I got on that topic, im just tired so my thoughts are everywhere. I want to draw more, I finished a commission and Im pretty happy with how it turned out. Its just that sometimes I get really pessimistic about it and hate drawing; that or I just get bored of creating that kind of art. I miss working with clay and I dont go back to school until next week. I like being out of school but I miss the socialization and my art class. I have a Clemson tour on friday but I dont know why im going really. Out of state college is so expensive and my mom refuses to let me move to south carolina for a year after hs before starting college. I know lik, reasonably Im an adult I can do what i want, but I just dont wanna fight and I dont wanna be like. Alone. with applying to colleges and stuff. I wish I could move in with my dad cause he isnt such a control freak, but theres really just no room for me over at his house, theres not even room for the people that already live there. My stepmom wants to leave my dad behind and move to Tennessse which kinda upsets me. Its not fair to me or my younger brothers but I also get why she wants to. If she does my dad will probably move back in with his parents and while I love them id rather die than live in their house again. The house is really nice and all theyre just major hoarders and its so distressing. So really my only choices if she moves is moving with her to Tennessee or staying with my mom. I want to move in with my boyfriend when he moves closer but it feels like its taking 300 years to get to that point. He says he wants to be here in time to go see the new Saw movie together in September but I feel like that wont work just like the previous times he wanted to be here. I dont blame him Im just sad about my living situation. Im gonna miss my room ive grown up here and its comfortable and Im sad I have to leave it behind. Growing up is so difficult. I think im gonna lay down now my stomach is starting to hurt. Goodnight.

Its not that late but I figured I'd go ahead and write this while I'm working on my main site anyways. Today was like mostly okay until I went through some old texts, then it was less okay. I felt really upset and panicked, sometimes I worry I'll never be able to move on from what happened.. I really want to but it seems so hard. I dont think any "normal" person couldve gone through that and stayed but I dont know. I try really hard not to think about it. Other than that I guess my day was average, I've been working on my site basically all day except when I took a few breaks to watch youtube and play fortnite. After my breakfast I had two pieces of buttered bread and some pepperonis, then for dinner a waffle and some bacon. I'm trying to eat consistently but when I'm home all day its so hard, theres not a lot of appetizing stuff at my house and I always get nervous someone'll get mad at me for eating their food, even though everyone always eats mine. My life feels really mundane right now, besides the constantly reliving super traumatic stuff thing. Like, I dont really talk to many people, or use social media much, or do anything but hide in my room trying not to think about how bored I am. Speaking of not talking to people anymore, I recently cut off someone whos been causing me a lot of stress and I feel bad about saying it but I've felt a lot better. I wont go super into detail but this persons been stressing me out a lot for a few months and having them out of my life feels good. I dont think they're an overall bad person but I just dont like how much pressure they put on me and how they acted. Ive lost my motivation for art which sucks cause its one of the few things im good at, but ive been sculpting a lot with clay and I enjoy it a lot. Im not really that good at it but I made my boyfriend a bowl and spoon, but I dont really like the spoon so I probably wont give it to him. I miss having online friends but Ive been hanging out with my irls a lot more and its been nice, I just wish i could be more "myself" around them i dont know... Socializing is so hard for me, It seems like the only people I attract are weirdos who want to use me or people who expect too much from me. That or I hit it off with someone and think all is well then they turn around and hurt me or leave me. I kinda have enjoyed not having a lot of friends but I also get lonely sometimes. I especially miss having art friends, I miss doing art trades and collabs and stuff. I mean i Do have plenty of people in my circle online but Im too anxious or tired to keep up with my friendships, and it doesnt feel like anyones particularly into putting effort into trying to keep me around. I think thats all I have to say for now but maybe I'll come back with a second post later, im not really sure.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire[a] is a 2024 American monster film directed by Adam Wingard. Produced by Legendary Pictures, it is a sequel to Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), and the fifth film in the MonsterVerse franchise. It is also the 38th film of the Godzilla franchise and the 13th film in the King Kong franchise. The film stars Rebecca Hall, Brian Tyree Henry, Dan Stevens, Kaylee Hottle, Alex Ferns, and Fala Chen. Hall, Henry, and Hottle reprise their roles from the previous film. In the film, Kong encounters more of his species in the Hollow Earth and must unite again with Godzilla to stop their tyrannical leader and a powerful, frost-breathing Titan from destroying the surface. Following the box office and streaming success of Godzilla vs. Kong during the COVID-19 pandemic, Legendary announced a sequel in March 2022 and that filming would commence later that year. In May 2022, it was announced that Wingard would return to direct and Stevens had been cast as a lead. Filming began in July 2022 in the Gold Coast, Australia, and finished in November 2022. Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire premiered at Grauman's Chinese Theatre on March 25, 2024, and was released in the United States on March 29. The film received mixed reviews from critics, some who compared it unfavorably to Godzilla Minus One (2023), and has grossed $361 million worldwide on a $135–150 million budget, making it the fifth-highest-grossing film of 2024.

Im writing a quick test blog just to make sure everything looks nice and all. I dont have a lot to say yet 'cause i wanna save it for a full entry not a test. I woke up showered and had some kraft mac and cheese and three deviled eggs for breakfast. Im gonna try to finish this blog today and maybe work on a main website too. I want somewhere to host all my art. Im not much a fan of mainstream social media anymore, I enjoy stuff like reddit and 4chan more now. not in a loser way i just prefer the layouts and I like the anonimity. Anyways thats all I have to say that should be enough to see how a post'll look. (lol post'll like postal. i wanna finish postal 1997 today too between workin on this stuff....)